I decided tonight that I can do whatever the fuck I want to do.

As you get older you start to lose a really powerful subconscious sense of endless possibilities.

The world still feels huge and that wonder turns into a unique type of confidence when you’re a teenager. You’re the star. The world is big. Anything is possible.

As you get older the pressure builds… the pressure to reach certain benchmarks at a certain age, the pressure of increasing monthly living costs, the structural servitude you have to learn and do each year like doing taxes and registering your car. That stuff makes you feel small and unimportant. The good life didn’t seem so far as a kid.

I don’t want to live an afraid life. I’d rather be a slave to the things that make me feel alive than cope with the comforts of a system that is slowly killing me. I have all the tools I need to make my dreams possible in my apartment and just cuz I have something to lose doesn’t mean I can avoid risk and live a fulfilled life. 

It’s not just about control over my actions.
It’s about the way life looks in my eyes. 

I don’t want to become a bitter adult. I’m always so positive and empowering to people I see potential in. Despite how highly I view my own abilities as an artist, I’m not acting like the best possible outcomes are within reach for me these last few months/year. 

The grey cloud has clung to me. I’m not behaving like I believe I have a real shot. My lust for life depleted with the loss of a loved one, and Covid, and bad financial decisions, and squandered opportunities, and a bad relationship, and slowly losing my hair, and intense stress, and distractions. All the bad shit just gets replaced with other bad shit so what’s the point of letting it ruin the current realm of possibilities anyway? How the hell am I supposed to become a star when I’m not acting how a professional star would act? 

At the end of the day nothing matters except for what you love and who you love. What I love to do is the most serious part of my life. It’s the part that will define me when I’m gone. If I want to do something good for my loved ones I should make my dream happen as soon as possible so that I can become the provider I want to be for them. I have to live life fully first to create a good life for myself and I have to make it happen by any means necessary. Any means necessary means that in every scenario I already have all the tools I need to make it happen. I’m lucky that I know what I truly love to do. Now I just have to act like I love it and live like good things can happen. 

I believe that good things can and will happen. For me and all my loved ones.

We control how we see the world and we decide how we act in that version of the world that we’ve chosen to perceive. 

Most importantly I can change my life this year if I really try and really want to. I can do anything I want to do. And I can succeed because good things can still happen. I’m not about to miss a miracle by acting like I’m too cool for miracles.