I am so boring.

Perhaps I'm overanalyzing a bit, but I feel like I lack any defining personality traits. There's nothing unique or distinguishable about me-- and while you could argue that being a creative (artist) is unique in and of itself, it doesn't help if the work fails to reflect that. I'm as basic as they come, and honestly, I'm ok with it. It wasn't until this year that I began to ask myself, "Who are you trying to impress?" And so, the arduous process of self-acceptance began.

I've battled with low self-esteem for what feels like all my life. Nothing was ever good enough, not for my parents, teachers, or my peers. I was constantly in an imaginary competition with others. Yet, there was no bigger adversary than myself. Inscurity is a bitter bitch; and no one was as bitter and lonely as I was. It was always someone else's fault — my problems, every failure, and each mistake. The bitterness and self-loathing ran deep. I was fighting demons-- even now. I felt neglected by the world. Were there good moments here and there? Yeah, but they never lasted. Ultimately, I never felt heard. I felt utterly alone-- save for television and movies.

Television, especially, was my happy place. The people on screen weren't just characters; they were my friends-- my outlet. They listened, they cared, right? I grew attached. I began imagining myself in their world, being something other than myself. The disconnect only grew between mind and body. I was in my head a lot. There, I could be anyone and anywhere I desired. I started to retreat within myself. I socialized less and less; the more I lost my grip on reality, the more I began to hate it. I despised the version of me in the real world.

It wasn't until recently that I began to accept myself for who I am. Don't get me wrong, it took years of hard work, support, accountability, and lots of self-reflection to reach this point. Even now, I catch myself slipping here and there. However, it's not as bad as it used to be. I remind myself that everything in life is a process; I'm just in the middle of a transformation.

Sorry for the emotional post. I needed to get it off my chest.

Have you ever felt this way? Or have you gone through something similar?

Please feel free to share your thoughts! :)