“instead of feeling confused about why certain things didn’t work out, i hope you find acceptance for how things unfolded”
This year was a lot. In its quiet lessons of friendship and ambition I struggled a lot to bridge my projected ideals and the reality of what it is to be human. For the last few years, school has shaped my years into thirds. January to April offered a gruelling academic term that allowed for friendships to flourish through manic coffee breaks and 3am conversations before bed. It was a term where me and my friends came back together after being changed by new cities and truly moving away from home for the first time. We had all grown into different people and all the lessons of fear and possibility (that we were exposed to in the Fall) set the tone for all of our conversations. But it also let us find so much happiness in the window of time we lived together (or 5 minutes away from each other).
Summer however was a different monster. The job market was horrible and I was the only one of my friends to not have an internship lined up. I spent a lot of time ruminating on what my life could’ve been and what I failed to achieve. Only in retrospect am I grateful for my summer routine of walks, new music, tea and fruit in the morning, the sun, painting, reading, sleeping in, watching movies, just being. I also struggled to feel connected with a lot of my friends who weren’t in the city and were off elsewhere. There was lots of miscommunication to work through and despite the comforting space (living at home for the first time in a year) I felt a bit like a loser not going out at all lol. Thankfully though, I got much closer to my family. And struck two impromptu trips - Japan and exploring the east coast of Canada - those stories will be saved for later, but two experiences that shaped me greatly. They forced me to stop thinking about what could’ve been and just think about what is. Something clicked. Maybe it was gratitude. Maybe it was a renewed confidence. Even now i’m not sure, but I came back changed by these experiences, reinvigorated with a lust for life. And friendships that hit the rocks in May, I got brave enough to fix in August (shoutout to Brie I’m so happy we talked it out). I also emailed Ann all summer, writing journals disguised as letters over the four months which let an honesty come out that brought us together.
Fall brought my favourite weather. I was again in school, quietly grappling with the alternative universe I could’ve gone on exchange. Instead I soaked in the weather and was surrounded by friends all the time. All my time was spent in living rooms talking, loitering at the cafe our friend worked at, cooking something new or rotting away in studio together. Same places, new community. November and December took me by surprise. As life happened (also two stories for later) I now feel very distant from two friends I started the year feeling so close to. But I’ve learned that I can still be grateful for our time together and wish them the best without wanting the friendship to continue. Perhaps it’s run its course. Or maybe some fateful event will bring us back together in the future. I also became so much closer to two friends I was feeling distant from in the beginning of the year. Fall was comforting, quietly gruelling, but full of joy. I am so lucky to have the friends I have and to be surrounded by them for these few months. Also to create the projects i did! December was family time. So much of it I was surprised I wasn’t sick of it.
—
This year I learned to dream big, to stop expecting and just doing, to accept people for who they are, to not unfairly project things on others, to communicate, to leave my room, to forgive my parents, to forgive myself, to find happiness in the mundane, to let go of comparison, that we can’t control life and that people will come in and out. Change is bound to happen and I’ve learned to move with it rather than be upset the world won’t stop with me.
On friendship — lots of lessons about friends this year, and understanding what I want or need in one. Accepting that every friendship plays a different role there is no everything friend. That constant communication isn’t necessarily connection. I’ve found that this spark between people is not something that can be forced by knowing my daily routine. Sometimes the most fun you’ll have and the most understanding will come from friends who I haven’t seen in months. connection is not a thing to be forced
i also learned i talk too much - i need to cool it with the voice messages lol
Not my best year, but it was a lot of growing and learning and changing.
26 wishes
- more things to be grateful for - in my journal i wrote “i can ask for nothing more than an abundance of things to be grateful for”
- leaving my room
- creating something everyday
- formally writing essays for myself
- visit a new place - hopefully hong kong or vietnam!
- more things to document and make videos for
- new friends!
- maybe someone to be more than friends with
- kindness
- staying in contact with my friends
- blaming others less
- giving myself more grace
- to have lots of stories
- dye my hair
- let go of comparison
- explore options for post grad
- call my parents often
- a summer job I’m passionate about
- dinner parties
- become a regular at a cafe
- opportunities to be surrounded by art
- new recipes
- becoming closer with acquaintances
- stay honest with myself and others
- hoping for more happiness
- unexpected, but good change
growing up is scary. i’m happy i have people in my life i can fall on - even if this is forever changing. january brings a new city and i’ve learned to stop expecting and just blindly experiencing.