randomlythoughtful
UnReal
Image credit: @meanwhileinnowhere
@idi · October 15, 2025
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Despite being on a journey of growth and self-acceptance, sometimes, I ask myself: Am I being authentic or putting on a show?

Is this really my opinion, or am I conforming to others? Is this really who I am, or how I want to be perceived?

It's hard not to be so overly critical of myself: On the one hand, I have this overwhelming desire to be myself. Someone unafraid to express themselves despite what everyone thinks. On the other hand, the fear of being disliked, viewed negatively, or perceived as odd bothers me. It shouldn't, but it does.

If you've ever experienced ostracism, you understand. Purposely being left out of a group-- or worse-- ignored. It's isolating, especially on a psychological level. It's long-lasting and difficult to heal from. To clarify, I'm not seeking pity or expecting the world to owe me due to unfavorable circumstances. Shit happens. You fall, get up, dust yourself off, and keep it pushing. I guess it's how I've been moving that's got me concerned.

I still feel the need to "perform." Presenting a version of myself that is both agreeable and maluable; assimilating when the situation requires. It's a nasty habit I can't seem to shake. Sometimes, I'm not even aware I'm doing it. It's the natural default. I could name countless reasons why I fall back into this behavior, but the most important is: security. It's how I keep my guard up and protect my ego. "A show of vulnerability allows for mockery." Being vulnerable and open with others makes you a target for ridicule. Either assimilate or be excluded.

It's a flawed perspective, but one that occasionally creeps up on me. It's that teeny tiny voice in the back of my mind, reminding me-- conform. Just do as everyone else does: talk, think, believe. Maybe if you do it long enough, you'll finally be normal.


What even is normal?


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Credit: "The Elephant in the Room," by @meanwhileinnowhere

My idea of it was fitting in and completing the natural steps in life with everyone else. Childhood birthday parties, first love, prom, high school graduation, then college (get the college experience), get a well-paying job, get married, have kids, and so on. Because life is linear, right? A path perfectly planned and laid out in front of you—a path to normalcy. It all sounds so simple. Just follow the instructions, and everything will fall into place. To stray is to fail. Any obstruction or challenge faced upon said path is a failure on your part. To choose a path other than the "obvious" is unnatural and wrong. There is only one right way.

Obviously, this isn't true. I learned that the hard way. In fact, I'm still learning. Life has a crazy way of fucking you over, or leading you on an entirely different journey than where you started. As I continue to mature, I realize that life--more importantly, people--are far too complex to be put in boxes; categorized, labeled, and segregated into groups, including me. I've gotten so caught up forcing myself into a box that I never took the time to figure out who I am as a person—a living, breathing, human being, who is allowed to be themselves. I think I still need time to reflect on my identity. It might take me a few months or years, but either way, I need to correct my deeply flawed perception of the world.

I have to be willing to take the first step.