1. there’s a hole that i don’t know much about—what was there before? what’s missing? what will the hole become? will it grow? will it fill with time?

there is a distinct absence, but I either do not know, or do not remember what it is. 

there is a certain balance that must be kept to maintain the equilibrium of the hole. the hole cannot be left it to its own devices. by paying it no heed, it will deteriorate more and more, filling with stray bits of litter (bad habits, behaviours, thoughts,,,) that fly on by, as well as its own crumbling walls falling in unto itself, and it will grow and grow and grow and grow. i fear the hole will continue to enlarge until it has consumed me, and all i am is the absence of something that was once there.

however, I cannot simply force something to fill the hole because it will not fit right. it will overflow, crumbling and spilling, or it will look incongruous and haphazardly. this has happened time and time again, where I have desperately tried filling it with various things—work, games, food, alcohol,,, and any interests that I find fulfilling that I latch onto obsessively in the hopes it will continue to provide me with completeness until it is devoid of enjoyment—all of which seem to temporarily work somewhat, but ultimately, do not properly fill the hole.

only certain things can really be used to fill the hole. things that fit, and things that go together, whether seamlessly or through careful balance and stacking.

this can sometimes be frustrating and stressful to think about, because finding something that fits on top of keeping up with other things in life can be difficult, and watching something that doesn't fit crumble down can be really disheartening. it's important to keep in mind that things take time, and that developments and discoveries can't be forced. but by keeping that equilibrium, I can ensure that I don't end up having an all-consuming hole that takes over my life, a pit or crevice stuffed with unwanted things, or a mess that won't pile correctly to fill the hole.

2 . there’s a hole that i don’t know much about—what was there before? what’s missing? what will the hole become? will it grow? will it fill with time?

there is a distinct absence, but I either do not know, or do not remember what it is. 

I don't know what this absence is, and i don't know what will become of it. sometimes, this scares me,,,

but because of this, what I do know, is that there is no predetermined and established thing that I have to fill the hole with to make me whole. one could say that the possibilities are endless—with nothing determined by fate, couldn't anything be realisable?

the hole could be an opening for me to try new things and experience more and more and more without confining myself to one thing. maybe it'll take time, maybe it'll take a few tries. maybe, if I'm thoughtful enough, whatever I fill it with will allow something to take root and grow from within.

so I'll try my best to sow a seed, not bury a burden, and I'll conscientiously fill the hole to form a mound I'm happy with. the hole is a window of possibilities that I can explore, and find what makes me whole.

ᯓ★