**This one was definitely a soup of everything that my head went through before falling asleep.
**Fragmented recollection

I was with a boy who I think was based off of this guy in class whom I have zero attraction to but 20x cuter in the dream so it’s only natural I was into him.

We were on some kind of school or group trip, and I remember I shared a bunk bed with my brother in the dorm and I think we talked about something or there was an event but I forgot.

I think the cute boy and I were friends or maybe acquaintances. We weren’t super close initially but we kept going places together on the trip exploring and I don’t think I tried to define my feelings for him at all. I just did what felt natural to me in that moment was it platonic or romantic you don’t know some romantic undertones for sure but the impressive part is I didn’t shy. Eventually I got kind of touchy even clingy with boy and I remember being so happy. Full of bliss! Because I loved him so much, not in a deep way but as any person would feel if say you found a cat in your neighborhood and it just let you keep petting it and followed you around the whole day. He didn’t seem to hate it at all, and from time to time he would give me a smile, and that made me very happy.

I don’t remember much from there on but there was no disclosure of feelings. There was a scene where we went (not me and him but us as a group - a very random group consisting of people from my old school, family, people from my current school and so on) to a public sauna and we all had sauna time together. Not sure if we were naked but this one dude I don’t like from my old school solemnly complained about adults staring at his dih. Nothing weird though.

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What this one says about my circumstances is that I’m finally learning to focus on my lens rather than on theirs. Because as a woman I grew up wanting to be desired, not knowing what I desire, being ashamed of my desires… The fact that I just felt some way and acted on those feelings without questioning or rationalizing is proof that I’m growing.

And today when I saw the boy the boy in the dream was based off walking to class in front of me I felt such a familiarity I just wanted to tap him on the shoulders and wave and ask him something totally unimportant. Platonically of course because I feel no attraction to this guy irl so far and I’m also pretty sure he is gay. My next mission is to start being more impulsive. I should have done what I wanted to do in reality too, I think that could have break the ice and made us closer but I didn’t do it.