Bad day,

Lately I've been feeling numb all the time (maybe from the anti-depression I took in 7 months), until today when I shared all of my emotional gut to my colleague - the one I feel reliable, hope so. Actually i don't have anyone to share, my family can't understand it, even my friends too. Life in corp is so depressing, so hard.

I feel lonely and alone. Even sometimes I still enjoy aloneness, but not this time.

Those things later may be a ick in my mind for a very long time, idk.

A guy same age with me, he has ambitions, also me, but the difference between me and him is the performance, I mean performative things, he knows how to manipulate things. So... even we start at the same point, but the way he went is now further than me, which causes me stress lately lol. But here the thing, we used to work for a same project, and then he started triggering when I give the comment.

So now, what should I do... I have peer pressure and performance issue at work, while suffering my emotionless feelings, like living in a cage that you cannot escape.

The manager attitude toward him is better than me, I can see, everybody can see. So should I let he unfollow me on Insta, -that so silly ah, I felt like I'm observed and in everybody tea in his convo with his friends. But eventually why should I care about that?

More,

This morning I got bad comments from a remote job boss, he is always aggressive and rude. Maybe he is Israel, shameful when I thought I may support that country lol. Even the price he pay me is worthy, but this current work is such a shame when he force me to use AI lol. All this shit, i tryna work with him, all is for money, money for my dream, a dream of living abroad.... so I have to save, which means I have to work.

I'll tell him tmr, for sure,

-setting boundaries and creating gaps are the best advice I get from my colleague, at least she has a good taste.

Even my skin texture is getting worse and worse because of the stress and white nights. I'll improve by today. Also I look like an empty inside, which I'm not myself.

Idk, maybe enough for today. A day mixed with rain and hot winds.