i didnt think id live to see past 18 and now im turning 26 in 5 days . birthdays have always been a little weird to me. yay im getting older but also ... im getting older. youd think after spending most of my childhood wishing i was older i would be happy aging. wrong .. every year my birthday comes around and i feel this unshakable feeling of doom.

it never helps when my younger siblings call me unc or when im around people younger then me and they call me old. i feel as though being called old comes with like this sense of accomplishment. i feel like the older i get the less i feel i have accomplished. this is probably where the imposter syndrome comes from a multitude of other feelings as well. i mean i guess i can't say i haven't accomplished anything i have a degree working towards another but ... not enough.

ive never really liked celebrating my birthday. as i grew older i started having expectations and that took a on me. it made me feel like why do i even have a birthday and why it is actually important. ive been thrown parties though. my parents have thrown me a surprise party twice. once when i was 12/13 and for 25. i had a thing for my 16th birthday which was lowkey good and fun but also not because i ended up having people there that i literally didnt care about. but also how was i supposed to say no . idk im still working on that too. people pleasing but not the point. every other birthday outside those i dont remember. but i do remember when i was turning 22? i cried in my ex boyfriends bed ... on my birthday. i think i remember more birthdays that ive cried if anything and theres definitely... a lot.

anyways last year at my surprise birthday party that my best friends actually helped plan they said "no more sad girl birthdays" and i said yeah i can actually try and do that . so imagine what it felt like hearing my best friends were going on a cruise on my birthday. not like i dont have any other people i can celebrate my birthday with but theyre definetly the top of that list and knowing they wont be around actually hurts a lot more then i thought and obviously "im okay" with it im not like throwing temper tantrums but like its just really disappointing. now all my other friends are busy and like thats my fault because i can't make a decision.

all this to say i hate celebrating my birthday. i may even hate my birthday but it is what it is it still comes around every year and i have to deal with the stupid feelings that come with it.

also last year on my birthday i did a psychoeducational assessment that made me feel fucking stupid....