Today is sunday, my day off. I have this weird thing about being in the house too long even on my day off, i feel like i start to slowly lose it. Decided I'd hit up a random spot i never been to and just write down my thoughts. Im at Dripp Cafe in Fullerton California and just got a spanish latte. Its hella yummy. Anyways, some things have been on my mind and given that i dont have a journal to jot everything down right now, what better place than this cool lil site i found through a cool creative on tiktok who was talking about her expereince in a cafe somewhere in Osaka, Japan. While theres plenty of things on my mind right now, i dont want to talk about everything, but just whats necessary.
Its still January and i never really gave myself any new years resolutions this time around; i figured that i didnt wanna feel the feeling of dissapointment or what ifs if i dont complete the things I told myself i would. As the days go by, my mind is constantly evolving. There are no longer so many things that i punish myself over. Taking big steps, doing things that make me feel good, even if they weerent the most resposible choices. I realize that its all about growingup and being an adult- being human. Im supposed to mess up, im supposed to make c hoices for me, make choices that will have consequences and ones that wont. Its all been very pivotable for my experience on this earth and the legacy i leave behind not only to my loved ones and those who watch me, but for myself.
My most recent lesson has been Love, capital L. ive been single the past almost four years and have had my fair share of being what a single person in their 20's does. Ive met people, laughed with them, cried with them, seen new places with them and created new memories with them i never would have thought i would.while some have been questionable, I dont think i regret any experiences ive shared with them in the past. Recently ive been talking to someone for the pastsecond half of 2025. Things were going great although long distance is definetely a huge challenge that i feel most people should experience at least once. Im not gonna discuss the personal matters of it but i became very attatched and did so with no bounds. Invested a lot of time into it. Sacrificing a bit of myself each day to make space for this person in my daily routine. Towards the end, things became rocky as they do and i learned alot about myself and what i have to offer in a relationship. I discovered things about myself i didnt really ever see before and found it crazy that i needed someone else to teach me those things about myself. One of the things i learned is that at times, a persons love and affection can be overbearing to some people. Sometimes the things you think feel good and great to you and your heart do not feel the same way to anothers' heart. But thats okay! In a real relationship, these things are meant to be discussed and reshaped so that they both feel comfortable. Unfortunately, me and this person are no longer romantically pursuing eachother right now, but we talked about the potential opportunity to meet again in the future and try again. Is that doable? Is that really what we both want? There are many things either of us could and should be working on for ourselves first before getting into anything serious, although i thought that could be something we could figure out- together. Idk. Things sure suck right now, but its not something i really have control over. Right now ive acknowledged the sistuation and adapted. Time has a way of healing and i know eventually itll do exactly just that. Its been a very long time since ive poured this much of myself into someone, so my mind feels as if it was almost just a waste...although i know it’s not. My heart knows its not all for nothing. I learned alot about the man i am when i love and when i do it with no bounds. Someday that will be reciprocated and appreacieted so greatly and ill feel very complete. I dont regret any of it, im content with how things played out in the end. At some point, this was a person i really liked and had alot of love for, one that still uplifted me when she did and gave me the push i needed to really get back on my feet as i begin my journey in sunny side California, where i just moved to 6 months ago.
Its really crazy how people just come and go in and out of our lives. A simple 30 second conversation could mean so much to me because it reminded me of something else in my life or i could forget about it the second i leave the cafe and back into my car- thats a person ive never met before and someone ill probably never see again. They have there own dreams and aspirations, things they cry about and things they laugh about. But ill never know. I like to remember that people do come into your life for certain periods of time to teach you things. Everyone ive ever met has taught me at least one thing and whether or not theyve stayed, ive always valued them, for contributing to my heart and my character. Im sad when people leave, but eventually iget back on my feet and thank them in my mind for teh time they shared with me to share things about their mind and soul. I know its never for nothing. I know i never waste my time on things, i was meant to expereince it for a reason and im grateful for it actually. I accept it for happening to me and continue onto whatever else is meant to come my way.
Right now i have alot of people who love and appreciate me for being who i am, ones who support me in almost everytning i do. Some in neghboring states, some across the world and some only virtually- the love is still received all the same. But this new year has reminded me alot about who i want to be and how im fighting the ability to stay focused on that track. Im full of so many ideas, aspirations and dreams that im so excited to reach, although im aware im hardly grasping. I want to continue making art, i want to build my car, i wanna drift, i paint cars, i want to make grillz, i want a successful business, i wanna become more of a niche micro internet celeb lmao, i want to learn an instrument, i wanna learn music, i wanna model, i wanna become a journalist, i wanna become more articulate with my words, i wanna read more, eat more, see more and experience more. Sometimes it feels as if i barely have time for things since theres so much. What i want to do is be better at managing my own time and reminding myself of how important it truly is. I want to pick one thing to focus on for a month and really stick with it. Im halfway thru January and in a week ill be leaving to Indianapolis to help train a new shop thats opening sometime in march. Ill be there for a whole month. Maybe the thing ill focus on for the month of february is staying consistent with writing about my expereinces on here. I like this little site, i dont know anyone on here and it feels like my own little corner of the internet for a while, or at least until more people find out about it.
Overall, i know theres alot about myself that im still meant to learn and understand. A recent heartbreak was unfortunately the best way to snap me back into my senses like that. I know the type of man i want to be, not only for my friends, not only for an amazing woman someday, but for myself. For my inner child that still uncontrollably makes himself known at times. I have to hustle more, im meant to see more, travel more, taste more, read more, draw more, exercise more. I have the blueprints for the ultimate version of myself and i feel frustrated with the fact that im unsure why im not reading them. I understand that time will pass and it happens fast, im aware that i must act sooner rather than later. I hope i can read these as time goes on and see-no, feel genuine progress. Be proud of it too. I know i will, i have alot to show up for myself about. I hope the world continues to guide me in this mess of life the way it always has. My path in life has never been straightforward or easy, its been a clusterfuck windy spinny mess of a road that has always taught me lessons, not spoon-fed it to me. Although that sure sounds nice, i understand that's not the case, i am who i am because of it and i wouldnt want it anyother way. Im ready for this next chapter in the new year and in my life, im excited to discover all the things i will learn this time. Till next time.
-Santana Ochoa