A friend of mine said this to me recently:
"I've been single for so long. I don't really feel the urge to meet someone new right now... I don't think I'd be open to it at the moment.
I've built so much for myself during this time... especially for myself. I've created a world for myself that's more peaceful than ever before.
And right now, I'm just not open to letting a man into that world."
Her words stayed in my head for a while and kept making me think.
Because I've been struggling with loneliness and the fear of being alone for quite some time now.
I often ask myself questions like:
Why does it work for others but not for me?
What am I doing wrong?
Am I not good enough to be loved?
And so on and so forth...
After that conversation, I found myself asking questions like:
What have I actually built up over the past few years?
Am I really as healed as I always think I am?
And one of the most important questions:
Would I be ready right now to let a man into my world?
As for the first two questions, yes and no.
Yes, over the years l've built up quite a bit that I can truly be proud of.
l've created something of my own. Piece by piece.
and...
No, I'm still far from where I'd like to be. I still carry wounds inside me that need time to heal.
And yet, I carry so much more trust and love within me today than I used to.
I've already come a long way.
Even though it hasn't exactly been easy and was often accompanied by loneliness.
As for the actual question, the answer is also yes and no.
Yes, because love is the foundation on which everything can flourish.
From which everything arises.
And if God wills it, then so it shall be.
But...
No, I'm not ready right now to let a man into my world.
At least not one who doesn't have clear, pure intentions.
And a "let's see what happens" isn't enough for me.
...You can look for that on your own; I'm out of it.
Because l've been able to build a world for myself where I can find peace.
Where I can let myself fall without fear of eventually hitting the hard, cold ground.
From which I would then have to pull myself up again.
All on my own.
In this world, l've been able to heal wounds that bled for a very long time.
I've been able to soothe scars that once throbbed with pain.
A man without clear intentions would plunge this world into complete chaos.
He would tear me away from my peace. From my routine. From my process.
He would tear me away from my peace. From my routine. From my process.
He wouldn't sit down with me and share this silence.
He wouldn't try to understand the stories behind my scars.
More likely, he would contribute to new wounds forming.
To new scars remaining.
Letting a man like that back into my life would be the day I die.
This answer was actually clear from the very beginning.
I just needed time to truly see it.
Because it also means that I have to stick to it.
That I stop repeating old patterns.
That I finally break out of these cycles of life that keep throwing me back.
That also means:
I have to face my loneliness.
I have to learn to be alone with myself. Truly alone.
I have to look this "love"—which I've so often imagined where I never received any—in the eye... and see it for what it really is.
An empty shell.
Filled with faint echoes of past deceptions.
It was never love.
It was loneliness.
And the fear that made me believe it was something more.
Admitting something like that to myself was harder than I thought.
After all, l've already come so far...
Shouldn't I already be "healed"?
And once again, the answer is yes and no.
Yes, I've already come a very long way.
l've given myself so much. Built so much for myself.
I've learned to give myself love.
To trust myself. To listen to my intentions.
I have learned to love my body—the temple where my soul resides—more than ever before.
I have learned to listen to my feelings without suppressing or ignoring them.
I have learned to speak gently to myself.
To stop being so hard on myself.
I have learned to set boundaries for myself and to stick to them.
And still...
I am not yet at the end of this journey.