PRELUDE STUMBLING INTO SCRIPT
Lights hesitate. Not fully up. Not fully dim. A stage that doesn’t know if it’s ready.
Here I am
stumbling to read my lines like I wasn’t the one who wrote them
like I didn’t carve them out of myself and place them here for you to watch me pretend I don’t recognize them
this is survival
I’ve never acted not on a big screen not in front of a real audience
just this
an audience of maybe ten ten people who actually read my work
but an audience nonetheless
I take my hand and trace the words
like they might move if I don’t hold them still
I gulp at every expression every pause every sentence that feels a little too honest
because this isn’t just reading
this is exposure
my life
being written and unwritten performed rehearsed watched misread mocked applauded ridiculed
all at once
and I keep coming back to perform
and I’m expected to deliver it clean
not messy, or frustrated or sly or with distaste
not unless the lines call for that
and I can’t
because I’m realizing this performance isn’t for you
it never was
this is survival
in its finest form
watch me as I rehearse my lines
TAKE I (as the room closes in)
silence across the crowd everyone anticipating my next move
I clear my throat look side to side
hide and seek we call it a game but it starts with disappearance with learning how to be
quiet
CUT
not loud enough
TAKE II (I say shaking)
hide and seek
CUT
where’s your confidence
TAKE III
HID-
(voice cracks ofc)
now I’m trying to shake it out I’m pacing back and forth I’m doing speech technique I’m trying to get out of my head
TAKE IV, V
go by
something is adjusting
but not enough
TAKE VI (steadier now)
Hide and seek we call it a game but it starts with disappearance
TAKE VII (and now I hear myself)
Hide and seek we call it a game but it starts with disappearance
I hear it
but I still don’t trust it
TAKE VIII (enough)
Hide and seek
we call it a game
but it starts with disappearance
with learning how to be quiet how to fold into corners how to hold your breath
like being found means something
and maybe it does
because even now
I know how to disappear
without leaving
this is survival
mechanism of safety illusion of game reality of life
you can’t roll the dice or get a get out of jail card
this isn’t monopoly
you can’t rebuild your tower
this isn’t jenga
because jenga looks stable until it isn’t
one wrong move one pull too far
and everything collapses
not slowly
all at once
everything you build will fall everything you have will go everything you live will die
hide and seek
you learn how to disappear
not dramatically
but in pieces
until no one notices
—
uno
you learn how to stand alone
not because you want to
but because you have to
those colors in your hand those numbers you thought meant something
don’t actually hold you
—
jenga
you learn everything built
was temporary
and no one is catching it
when it falls
—
death
the only promise
they’re thrilled
this take was raw this take was honest this take was loud
and now the instructions
take it down a notch
lower cleaner controlled
but survival isn’t clean
eat or be eaten do or die dog eat dog world
sometimes survival sounds like a bark
a dog that barks but doesn’t bite
still survives
that small dog that won’t shut up
using its voice as distance as warning
because not every survival is attack
sometimes it’s noise
but when it bites
you don’t forget it
quiet doesn’t mean safe loud doesn’t mean strong
it just means
you’re still here
STAGE ANNOUNCEMENT / SHORT INTERMISSION
a voice not mine not fully
thank you for coming in early please take your seats
this is a play about instinct
about the body learning before the mind understands
hide and seek teaches you to run from predators tag teaches you to run from danger
we play games we sing songs we create rules
based on survival based on fight or flight
we practice from day one
trained to trust your gut trained to look both ways
people who avoid people who confront people who hide people who seek
animals learn fast
walk hunt run hide
eat or be eaten
this is the game
CONDITIONED REALITY
I want control
even the way I’m perceived
I crave knowing
so I perform
I fake
because if you don’t know me
you can’t hurt me
I utilize illusion speech presentation
a facade
a rehearsal of instinct
a revised a reconstructed
preparation for observation
the watched self
I behave like I’m being watched
even when I’m not
performance under surveillance
big brother
always watched always aware
and that changes everything
because now
I watch myself
a mirror
reflecting a version of a version
black mirror
everything filtered everything processed
before it becomes real
survival becomes spectacle
hunger games
you don’t just survive
you perform survival
to be chosen to be spared
learned behavior
system override
divine timing
I adjust before I feel
ACTION
here is where I unfold
not in script in instinct
hide and seek
why do we start with disappearance
why does hiding feel natural
tag
why does running feel necessary
who taught us
distance timing fear
no one
this isn’t learned
it’s innate
lord of the flies
no rules no adults no consequence
and still
they build power
they divide they hunt they create something to fear
even without structure we create it
even without fear we find it
nature vs nurture
what comes innate what is taught
as I sit here
trembling over my lines
like I’m not the one who wrote them
am I surviving or am I performing survival because I think I’m being watched even when I’m not
it’s daunting
because it’s both
I am free
and still
I act like I’m not
I move like something is watching
even when nothing is
and maybe
that’s the performance
and survival
produces something
something I build something I carry something I present
and somewhere in that
I realize
I’m trying to survive
while performing
and what I produce
starts consuming me
fruits of my labor
I eat them
while they’re still raw
because I don’t want to wait
for my flowers
after the performance
because I may not make it
I may not survive
this is still about survival
CLOSING STATEMENTS
my performance doesn’t get a standing ovation
but I feel better
because it was real
I think back
to the beginning
to me
stumbling
over hide and seek
like I didn’t understand it
takes I through VII
were rehearsal
take VIII
was instinct
and now
I’m not stumbling
I’m saying it
clearly fully
this is the performance
of my life
and when it’s done
I still have to wake up
and do it again
not rehearsal
instinct
CURTAIN CLOSE
lights dim
just enough
I stand
I take a breath
a small bow
not for you
for me
for making it through
Scene.